A joyful heart makes a cheerful face, but when the heart is sad, the spirit is broken. Proverbs 15:13
There may be thoughts and feelings that trouble you that are consistent with living in an abusive situation. Below is a quick personal evaluation to enable you to more closely assess the kinds of thoughts that you are living with. Just respond mentally yes or no. Perhaps a pattern will emerge.
- Sometimes I feel like my spouse has become a stranger to me.
- When my husband is around, I feel unsettled or fearful.
- When my husband is around, I feel like I need to behave differently.
- Sometimes I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around him.
- I don’t laugh like I used to.
- My husband comes from an abusive or neglectful background.
- I came from an abusive or neglectful background.
- I have consistently struggled with my own self-esteem.
- When I come home or when he comes home, I try to quickly sense what kind of mood he is in.
- I have nightmares where things are out of control, or where I am running away from something.
- I feel like my husband doesn’t like me.
- I feel like I am not allowed to need anything from him.
- I feel like I have to pretend I am not hurting.
- There are times my spouse is overly harsh with the children.
- He speaks badly of me in front of the children and encourages them to disrespect me.
- I don’t trust my own judgment.
- I consistently feel depressed.
- I feel like my husband’s needs and desires always come first.
- My husband sometimes gives me the silent treatment.
- I am afraid to talk to my husband.
- I feel like I have to constantly prove myself.
- I sometimes sense that he’s hiding something.
- I have caught him lying to me.
- I feel like I don’t really matter.
- I feel like I’m never good enough.
- I don’t feel safe.
- I feel lonely.
- I feel lost.
- I feel insecure.
- I feel confused.
- I feel like I’ve lost my identity.
- I feel like I have no value.
- I feel like he is trying to keep me away from my friends and/or family.
- I feel like I don’t know how to get close to him.
- I feel like he does things to intentionally hurt me or put me down.
- He gets angry or impatient with me over little things.
- I always feel like I need to try harder.
- I mentally rehearse the things I want to say to him.
- He is critical of the way I do things.
- Sometimes I feel like most of our problems are my fault.
- I feel like I need to keep issues affecting our relationship a secret.
- I feel like I need to protect his image and reputation.
- It feels like he must always “win.”
- Other people see him differently than I do.
- If something goes wrong in his life or someone doesn’t like him, it is almost always someone else’s fault.
- He treats me badly.
- He puts down my friends and/or family.
- He is an expert on everything.
- He says things that are hurtful.
- If I tell him he hurt my feelings, he tells me I’m being overly sensitive.
- I’m not allowed to need anything.
- He likes to be in control.
- There are times I don’t want to go home.
- If I question something he does, he accuses me of being bossy, nosy or paranoid.
- I feel guilty that I’m unhappy.
- I have had physical issues that may be stress-related.
An Informal Abuse Assessment*
I have been abused for most of my life going through a divorce that was the abuser,wanted to learn how not to get involved with a controlling man again
Hello, Pamela.
I am glad that you found the site and recognize that you have been conditioned to tolerate abuse in your life.
I think the most important thing in recovery is taking a lot of time to process where you have been, the belief system you adopted that convinced you that you didn’t deserve better, and to decide what kind of relationships you will agree to enter into going forward.
This is not a quick process. It takes time to grieve where we have been, to identify our tendencies, to unlearn what we have learned and reclaim our value. You are right in that, without assessing where you have been, your tendency may be to fall back into the same kinds of relationships and attract unhealthy people because that is what is familiar.
Continue to educate yourself, so that you will grow stronger and wiser as the days pass.
Let me know how I can direct you, and thank you for taking the time to write.
Cindy
Partially separate for 5 yrs now. I have a son who is now ten. I’m being controlled mentally by my husband with my son who wont allow me to take. I live in a apt. With my friend of five yrs. I cant hardly do anything with my son. I have to ask permission all the time. I try taking my son but has turned into a violent situation which led us to 4 harassment charges over a five yr period. I’m very depressed..I want my son to be with me but he has emotionally abused me for year’s. I’m afraid of him. He has gotten physical with me when I try to take my son. I’m left feeling like the only thing to do is zip my month to stop the abuse.he has emotionally abused my son. I have a 27 yr old daughter married with children now but he has sexually abused my daughter for yrs has ahe was growing up.cops where involved so was youth services cuz I didn’t press charges he was placed as a perpetrator by law in 2001 until my daughter was 23.. he is listed under law as an abuser. I have seek counseling and now thur domestic violence coalition. But I need help to take control of my life !!!!!!! I believe I have ptsd cuz I have nightmares all the time n I am depressed..I want my son !!!!please help me !
Desperate!!!
Scared!!!
Bee
Hello, Bee.
I am sorry to learn of this very stressful situation.
I would urge you to take first things first. Find out through the court system where you live what your legal rights and options are with regard to custody of your son, physical protection and financial support. Because of your history, the system should support your right to custody, and you may need to develop a support network to get the help and information you need to do this.
Your abuser will not make it easy, and you will probably have to dig deep to find the will and the strength to do what you must to reclaim your life and fight for custody. I know you are stressed and exhausted. Look for people who will support you, help you to grow stronger and wiser and focus on taking one step at a time.
It will probably not be easy, but it will be worth it.
I am certain you are struggling with depression and PTSD, but don’t let that stop you from moving forward. Take one thing at a time, and then seek counsel for yourself to help you heal from what you have been through.
Hang in there. Ask for help. Keep moving forward. Don’t give up.
Let me know what you discover and how you are doing.
I’ll be praying for you.
Cindy
Not sure what to do. I live in a domesticated relationship but I’m too scared to leave because I don’t want to lose my daughter and that’s one of his biggest threats is that he will take her from me.
Hello, Krystal.
I am so sorry to learn of your situation. I hope that you will do some research on the laws in the area where you live. Your abuser knows that your daughter is your primary vulnerability and will use that to control you.
Do your homework. Document the abuse and find out what your options are legally to protect yourself and your daughter in the event of a separation.
Don’t give up. Do the work, Pray for wisdom and look for options.
I hope you will keep me informed. You can always write to me on my private e-mail, as well.
Be wise and be strong,
Cindy
I answered yes to 85% of the items listed above and I am afraid of my spouse, and I have told her that. It is very difficult being a man and acknowledging that I have been abused. It also seems difficult for society to understand the very real damage done by emotional and verbal abuse when it has not yet escalated to physical abuse. However, I can honestly say that the severely damaged self esteem and loss of my own sense of value and identity is often paralyzing both personally and professionally. I thought that I could love her enough, do enough tasks to to keep her from being angry and somehow earn the love that she is apparently incapable of giving. I stayed much longer than I should have because I could see that underneath it all is a scared child of God who also needs help, but I simply couldn’t take the hurt and manipulation anymore. It was unbelievably mind-twisting the way she would talk me out of my own opinions and convince me that her opinion was the only “right” way to view things. We are apart now but I feel a profound sense of failure and am struggling to rebuild my life. I have a good therapist and rebuilding my support network, but until I got out of the relationship, I had no idea how much real damage had already been done. I hope to someday be there as a support for other men that need to share their story confidentially. I believe that God comforts us so that we may someday comfort others.
I can say a hearty “Amen,” to your statement of final resolve to one day help others in similar situations. I think it is almost always more difficult for men in this situation, as it doesn’t seem as plausible, and others doubt the truth of the matter and have a harder time supporting male victims. So, I can appreciate where you find yourself.
Everything you described is absolutely consistent with the abuse dynamic, including how you see her as a soul needing help (although she doesn’t want help), and your determination to find a way to make it work. When it doesn’t, it is heartbreaking, and when others judge us or don’t have any idea of what we have been through and are quick to judge, it is doubly heartbreaking. But know that you did not fail; she chose to reject your attempts to love her well. It takes two people to make a healthy relationship and only one to destroy it.
I am glad that you have a good therapist and that you are rebuilding you support network. I hope you will use the information and resources available here to be a part of that healing process.
Hang in there.
Cindy
I have been abused all my life and I have been getting some healing when a man came into my life talking love and for the last 4 years he has stripped me down to where i was, and my father announced today he was having sex with a 22 year old he is 71 and has abused and degraded his two daughter so much we cant even possibly feel good about ourselves and cant please him ever< He has been ugly nasty and he has never committed to our moms or raising us never loved on us after age 8. He never showed appoval so we live in his horrable judgement and perfect to cause he acts like we are scum. we had just been making friends and we had Thanksgiving last year first time family all together and i am 51. three kids all different fathers and all with daddy issues\ I am without a car and a care taker for my mom and beat down from the boyfriend who watched his daddy beat his mom and still abusive verbally. He beat my boyfriend as well and thats my history too only at 14 given a sot of methamphamine. I dont know where the abuse starts and ends. sobriety is hard with no self worh or esteem.Help me please with some correct information. Hurt in Texas
Hello, Sunchaser.
I am so very sorry to read your story, but I am glad that you found this website. It is hard for me to know where to begin. I want you to know that you did not deserve to be abused and that, in spite of the instability you have lived with and grown accustomed to, you still have an opportunity to reclaim your life. Please continue to educate yourself about the abuse dynamic and begin the work of recovery, grieving where you have been, building a support network and moving toward a better future for yourself, whether or not others in your abusive circle wish to find healing or not. It may be a long road, but I can assure you it will be well worth it.
You know in your heart the life that you want to have for yourself. I hope you will gather all of the strength that you have and commit to something better. Please read the articles and access the other resources we have available here and let me know the kinds of specific information you might need to get grounded.
Thank you for taking the time to share. And come back as you have need.
Cindy
I answered yes to 100% of the assessment.this is embarrassing and I’m left feeling worthless
Hello, Yaletta.
I remember well that feeling – going from the realization that you are not simply in a stressful message, but an abusive one. Don’t e embarrassed – you are not alone. AND, now that you know more clearly what you are living in, you can become better educated on the abuse dynamic and begin the work of reclaiming your life. I am confident that the information we provide here will help you. Many of us have been there and found happiness on the other side.
You can do this. Hang in there and keep moving forward.
I’m here to help as I can.
Cindy
I have been on your website MANY. Times for many years . I have been married 14 years . My husband is verbally , emotionally & even physically abusive to me our entire marriage . It comes in cycles , but the emotional abuse is the most & keeps increasing . I , we have seen counselors . I was in counseling w/ a person well versed in my situation . My husband & I are well educated , have great jobs. Our kids are10 & 12. My busy schedule ( OUR schedules) have not allowed for me to continue counseling ( for coping & strength). One of of daughters (10) is becoming depressed & anxious . I took her to our pediatrician . We are waiting to get in to a BUSY office for her. I KNOW what’s happening but it’s so complicated. We have 3 kids (twin girls + son-12) I feel like I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. My husband is Jeckyl& Hyde with me. ‘Superman’ to all. I look like the crazy one – except to close friends & family. I can’t fight him b/c he has no boundaries ! I am at wits end
Mylene, I pray that you will take the steps to remove yourself and your children from that very unhealthy environment. It doesn’t matter how other people see him, what matters is what happens in your household. I pray that you will begins sharing your secrets and asking for help. If you have friends or family who will take you in, I would strongly encourage you to leave at your earliest convenience. The effects of abuse are lasting and debilitating. It will take a lot of time to break free and recover, and I hope you will take the steps to do so as soon as possible. I fear for you and your children.
This will not get better, only worse.
Please keep me informed.
Cindy
Hi Cindy
I am with a controlling manipulative verbal and emotional abuser for over 10 years I have had 3 children for him. I emigrated last year to a new country to start a new life together and we have everything we ever wanted or wished for I gave birth 3 months after arriving here last year and he took 3 days off from work when I came home with our new son to abuse me and devalue me using our eldest son his “golden child” who he sets no boundaries with and speaks to me like I’m dirt on his shoe and both him and my son don’t have to listen to me when I “try” to set boundaries. I had social services involved involuntarily by making a phone call to women distress line and it seemed to lighten the verbal abuse a little but still the abuse continued and silent treatment was so bad I had to go to doctor to get tablets to calm me down and relax my anxiousness. His family came to visit and he has really took the abuse to a whole new level by cancelling my plans behind my back with my friends saying I was sick in bed and then turned around and said I ruined his night and completely devalued me and abused me right in front of his parents I was shocked and appalled. Then on the same week there was a huge argument over something I said and he went on a abusive rampage against me and his mother joined in during the argument he took my mobile knew my password cancelled my sons play date without me knowing and took my car keys and disappeared 3 hours away for 2 and half days he also threatened to cut me off financially. I am devastated and embarrassed that my dream hasn’t worked out the way I thought it would in my head. I have support in place but just feel like I can’t leave him and live in a new country my trust has been broken and I know he will try make my life as hard as possible if I leave and the abuse through my son will get a lot worse to try and hurt me … Please any advice would be appreciated thanks feeling hurt lonely and very isolated … I also depend on him financially for everything and he has cut me off only giving me what I need once he has authorized it first feel like a child having to ask for money.
Hello, Tanya.
I am sorry you are hurting and can wholly appreciate the fear under which you are living. The treatment to which you have been subject is absolutely appalling and abusive. It seems apparent that your husband has learned from others in his family how to impose his will in a cruel fashion. I would not expect any change on that front.
You indicated that you have support in place. I would strongly encourage you to take advantage of it when the time is right. If you can, I would encourage you to investigate the laws under which a separation would apply, as many jurisdictions/courts would require that he provide a measure of financial support for you. If you can take your kids with you, that would be best. If your eldest wants to live in that, you may have to allow him to do so for the time-being. The reality is that, should you stand up against the abuse and begin to reclaim your life, your son may one day wake up and realize the kind of man his father is and choose differently. You will have an opportunity to provide him with a healthy contrast in lifestyle. If you remain, you are affirming in his mind that this lifestyle is normal and that you (and his future wife and/or children) deserve the same. Your son’s adaptation to his father’s ways is simply your son’s way of befriending his enemy in order to avoid being a victim. It’s tragic.
You have the opportunity to show him that relationship should be grounded in respect, affection, acceptance and love. It will likely be up to you to show him the difference – by your choices.
I hope you will take advantage of the resources available here on the site. Abuse has a very predictable dynamic. The more you understand it, the better you will be able to prepare for your husband’s tactics. They will change depending on how you respond to each situation.
Please be safe and be wise. You do not deserve to be treated this way, and you should consider what you need to do to break free. Be assured that your abuser will not make it easy.
Feel free to post here or e-mail me personally.
I’m glad you took the time to write.
Cindy
I have been with someone for several years he was always good to me i dont know what happen he is a heavy drinker he was locked up twice for hiittin me i think i need help.cause i want to drop charges he d i d dislocate my shoulder when he was drunk feelin so confused
Annmarie. Dear woman, please do not drop the charges. Our tendency as abuse victims is to try to befriend our enemy, to prove to him that we are worth loving, to prove our loyalty. We falsely believe that, in seeing our deep love for him, he will be humbled and will want to change. But it’s not true. Abusers believe that what we do for them they deserve – and more – and the terrible ways they treat us is because it is what we deserve. It is totally twisted and grounded in a false dynamic. I hope you will get away from him. You cannot help him, and it is not your role to do so. Do not listen to his promises or buy into his tears. It’s all a game. Trust me in this. Learn more about the abuse dynamic and begin the process of reclaiming your life. Please. Write if you need further input or direction.
Cindy