Those who have never experienced abuse tend to be bewildered by the victim’s mindset. It does seem utterly ridiculous that anyone subject to physical or emotional harm would deliberately choose to remain one more minute with the jerk who is inflicting it. The outsider will reason, “Well, if she is so determined to stay, the situation must not be that bad.”
If things are so terrible, then why doesn’t she leave?
The shortest possible answer: She believes tomorrow will be different.
From everything I have witnessed and experienced, the abuse victim remains because of an undying hope that her magical moment is imminent – when her relationship and her life will be restored – and if not today, then tomorrow. She sincerely believes that she is only one small step from redemption, not realizing that there is, in fact, a chasm of extraordinary proportions that separates her from her imagined destination. Surely, the slightest change in her manner, his nature, or their circumstances will bring an end to this season, and these dark days will be remembered no more. It is only a matter of time. The promising future seems so real she can almost touch it.
If only it was so simple. But abusive relationships are insidious, a powerful concoction of mixed messages and twisted truth designed to confuse and control. There are a great many tender-hearted, well-meaning people married to those who put on a good show in public but thrive on oppression when others aren’t looking. Healthy people who have never been exposed to abuse cannot begin to imagine people they know and love living under the cold shadow of moral depravity where invisible wounds fester, and apologies and promises are offered easily, but glimpses of change quickly fade away.
She doesn’t believe it could happen to her.
Many abuse victims live for years in an abusive relationship and never mentally acknowledge their experiences as abusive. Abuse is often intermittent and minimal, particularly at first, which makes it difficult to identify. His unpredictability causes her to doubt her own senses. She accepts that every hostile episode is a singular circumstance or an unfortunate misunderstanding that can be remedied and forgiven.
She believes she may be responsible.
Oftentimes, the shock-and-awe component to the abuser’s tactics leads the victim to believe that either she unintentionally triggered his outburst or his actions are incompatible with his true nature. The victim might attribute the abuser’s actions to his history or stress, and for a while his excuses, apologies and promises seem genuine enough. But as the days, weeks, months and even years pass, the abuser begins to place the blame for his actions squarely on his victim. The victim believes that if she is causing the problem, she can work to fix herself and find a way to meet his impossible expectations. If she cannot, she will see herself as a failure – even deserving of his poor treatment.
When the abuser fails to embrace change, then his victim decides that his life circumstances might be the underlying issue. After all, he complains that he is unhappy at work, or he may have relational problems with family members, friends and co-workers who don’t seem to understand and appreciate him. So his victim comes alongside and strives to soften the blows that stir up his troubled spirit.
If the abuser plays the game well, he will occasionally toss out a compliment, a gift, or an unexpected privilege, a hint of promise to his tormented bride. The victim is certain that she has caught a glimpse of the man she fell in love with and reasons that the ups and downs must be consistent with a normal marital relationship.
She is wrong.
She fears that things might get worse.
When an abuse victim finally gets to a place where she can mentally acknowledge that the relationship is inherently dangerous, the lies and confusion inflicted by an abuser run so deep that his victim either doubts her ability to live without him or fears what will happen to her if she even attempts to break free. In many cases, veiled or direct threats are also part of the abuser’s mantra. “If you ever even think of leaving me, you will wish you had never been born.” “You have no idea what I might do.” “You don’t want anything to happen to your family [or the kids], would you?” While staying is scary, leaving can be an even more frightening proposition.
She lacks validation and permission.
Because she carries no bruises or open wounds, her friends, family members and pastoral authorities almost always tell her that there is no reason her abuser cannot be won over through prayer, a godly life and generous measures of compassion and understanding (which she has already tried). She is told that her faith has the power to incur change in him. So the pressure is on her to fix the problem – and she stays. She commits to a life of continual suffering with the belief that her faith will bring about repentance in her abuser.
In this, the church community unwittingly becomes one of the abuser’s most powerful allies. Should she be shamed into remaining with her abuser, he wins. And should she leave, he still wins – because the abuser and her church family will no doubt identify her as the one who “gave up on the marriage.”
Tragically, she has been lied to by her abuser, her heart, her friends, and her church. It is only her dwindling hope for a better tomorrow that sustains her.
But tomorrow never comes.
The abuse victim will finally leave when her stores of excuses, energy and optimism have been spent. Regrettably, it is when she has no strength left that she needs it most. It will be a sorrowful certainty of conviction and a desperate determination that finally drives her out the door.
She will leave when she realizes that tomorrow is nothing but a phantom, a dream, a wish – and all she really has is today.
“Carrying a log across your shoulders while you’re hefting a boulder with your arms is nothing compared to the burden of putting up with a fool.”
Proverbs 27:3 (The Message)
Cindy Burrell
Copyright 2014
All rights reserved.
If I didn’t know better, I would think that you met me and then wrote this article. How sad, that so very, very many women have the very same experience.
Hello, “10.” Thank you for your note.
While I do not know you, I do understand the victim’s mindset, because, like you, I was one. I remember it all so very clearly, and my heart still breaks when I read others’ stories like mine. It is those stories that keep me going in this ministry, and my objective is to educate and empower those who still suffer, and to (hopefully someday) teach the church what is so very wrong with the traditional church script that keeps abuse victims bound. I will be retiring in June and intend to begin the work God has given me. I have no idea what the looks like, but I’m sure He’ll let me know…
Thank you for stopping by.
I wish you well,
Cindy
Yes!
Wow, Cindy, I don’t know how you do it, but almost every post you write feel as if you once walked in my shoes…or perhaps as if I walked in yours.
This really said it all:
“In this, the church community unwittingly becomes one of the abuser’s most powerful allies. Should she be shamed into remaining with her abuser, he wins. And should she leave, he still wins – because the abuser and her church family will no doubt identify her as the one who “gave up on the marriage.””
When my ex walked out 5 years ago I often felt as if I was damned if I let him come back (he claimed we had mutually agreed to separate for a time, but he left on his own) and damned if I said no more and filed for divorce after 20 years of abuse.
He made me out to be the one who didn’t care about the marriage, told everyone I had kicked him out and that I only wanted a divorce without trying for reconciliation. I was the ‘bad guy’ in many people’s eyes because I didn’t continue to quietly bear my cross and submit and respect him more so he would finally repent and change his ways.
Fortunately, I did come to realize that I needed to live for today and stop wishing for tomorrow to be better. There were no dreams anymore of anything getting better, I had no more in me to give. And so I stepped out in faith that God would see me through and bring life back into my soul again.
And He did.
Thank you for your kind, encouraging note, Amy.
Yes, we have almost certainly walked a similarly painful path. God spared me, as well. I am continually blessed and amazed at how far He has brought me – how faithful He has been through the darkest of days. What a blessing to know what God has done for you! I know your words encourage others, also.
Thank you so much for sharing.
Cindy
Cindy, I read your post late last night and wanted to say “Wow” but I was just too tired. Amy stated much of what I have wanted to share. She is free – I’m still ‘here’. Still fearful of the next step. I have some health issues; need to find a job and an apartment. A lawyer friend said she is ready and waiting to proceed with the paperwork as soon as I am ready to “move on”. She has heard parts of the ‘history’ – the vows have been broken – there is no marriage.
The lawyer also reassured me that because of my tender health and job situation that I can “remain under the same roof and still file for separation (divorce)”. The room-mate relationship has also meant that I do not want to be seen publicly with him – I had already started the process but it is difficult as this is his home town and everyone keeps asking me how he is enjoying his retirement. The neighbours think he’s great because he keeps such a neat yard – even when I’ve attempted to be honest with the gal next door I can tell she won’t believe it.
Thanks again Cindy for saying it like it is; praying that my tomorrow comes quickly!
I will continue to pray the same for you, Beverley. Keep taking those small steps toward your freedom.
I believe you – and I know you deserve better.
Cindy
Thank you for praying. I feel so confused. Much of the abuse is from my three adult daughters. They live far away and seem to want an ’email relationship’ because when I’m around them they are rude to me; and in the past used to make blunt remarks which blamed me for the arguing in the home and that I denied them access to their grandparents … their grandparents and father ‘had lying lips’ which they were very aware of back then – now they want me to forget it and move on. (there is expensive lakefront property involved in this mess which I have attempted to distance myself from because of all the sinful things that were and still are tolerated out there)
Just received a ‘nice email’ from my daughter along with photos of a very precious one-yr young granddaughter. It breaks my heart that this little child is going to grow up feeling the tension as this crazy making will not end until we can sit down and discuss the circumstances. Am I wrong to feel I must move on if my daughters will not explain why they are rude to me and that it only makes matters worse with their father and me, especially since he allows it and he is responsible for the breakdown in the family in the first place? Am I being too demanding??
Hello, Beverley. No, it is not asking too much to ask people who claim to love you to treat you with respect. But, in doing so, you will be making waves, ruffling feathers… basically saying that the family culture is broken. A lot of people strongly object to anything that threatens the culture and may try to squeeze you back into the accepted norm. It’s crazy, I know, but true.
My counselor once told me, “We teach people how to treat us.” That means that, if we allow people to treat us badly for a long time, they becomes our normal. The trick is to reteach people to treat us with respect – and that is not easy. That doesn’t mean it isn’t worth doing. I think it is. It’s a lot of work and stress to stand up for yourself, and you have to be willing to impose consequences (like distancing yourself from those who are unsafe). But if it means reclaiming your value, I think it is worth it in the long run. Just my take. And I’ve had to do exactly that with people close to me and take the heat from other people close to me. But, I personally refuse to live that way anymore. Did it for too many years.
I hope that helps a little.
Cindy
Re: reply May 1, 2014 at 6:08 pm – Thank you Cindy for confirming what I have felt the Lord would desire. My husband who has always wanted to just get along (while he emotionally abused me) is the one who has been criticizing me for being “honest” and causing tension. This is the craziness. He knows when I defend myself that I am being truthful, however, he will never stand up to the daughters or son-in-laws. It appears child-like.
Presently, we are living as room mates in the house. He is waiting for me to leave and then he will tell the girls that “I left”. It may take quite some time before I can remove myself from the situation The lawyer said I can remain as a room mate while separation agreements are drawn. My husband will not tell the family of what has happened; it has to be me and then I will get emails saying that “this is good; that it is best and maybe we will learn to appreciate each other” … or … a phone call; they never phone to have a mother-daughter talk – but will phone if they are angry with me.
You said: “The trick is to reteach people to treat us with respect – and that is not easy. That doesn’t mean it isn’t worth doing. I think it is. It’s a lot of work and stress to stand up for yourself, and you have to be willing to impose consequences (like distancing yourself from those who are unsafe).”
Oh my, it being a lot of work and stressful is soooo very true! Today has been an extremely emotionally exhausting day as I prepare for counseling Saturday morning.
I know that it may be “easier” in some ways to just live with the abuse, but it is BETTER to say “no.” By doing so, you are telling people that you matter. And you do.
Hello, Vee.
I’m glad you found the site and want you to know that you are not alone. Virtually every abuse victim has been told the same – that no one will ever want us. That is a lie, and he knows it. His purpose is to keep you down, keep you fearful. The physical and emotional harm he does to you cannot be justified. Period. I was 41 years old when I left my abuser. By the time I left, I was an emotional basket case and wondered if I would ever be whole. I’d be lying if I told you that I am. I’m not completely whole yet, but I have come a long way and, like you, I am lovable, and 8 years ago I remarried an amazing man, and I’ve never been happier.
Don’t believe the lies. And more importantly, believe enough in your own value and in what you know to be right to break the cycle. Get away from him as soon as you can. You do not have to live that way. I know you don’t want your grandson to grow up in that environment. It will be up to you to make the change.
I hope you will let me know when you’re ready. I’m happy to help if I can.
Cindy
Great post! Unfortunately the Church doesn’t do much to acknowledge abuse. Most times the way “they” twist scriptures is just as bad as the abusive relationship.
You are so right, Sunshine! I consider the church’s misuse of Scripture spiritual malpractice. Unfortunately, the traditional church script has gone untested for many generations. We have a long way to go to educate the body and the pastorate with the truth when it comes to abuse – and biblical divorce. Beyond empowering and educating women in these kinds of relationships, educating the church is my secondary goal…
Thank you for taking the time to write.
I wish you well.
Cindy
I can relate exactly to everything especially that people can only treat you as you allow. I repeatedly made analogies to my friend & also told him that his mom’s only powerful because he’s giving her submission. If he took baby steps by asking to be treated with respect but (like you posted!), he thinks he can handle it or things will be different not realizing that the duration of the dynamics of relationship has been set so he should get away until he’s stronger & confident to seek his true self but I fear it’s too late since police told me to never step foot on his property so she won again! I was his only person who cared to listen & see what he told me -his validation that he wasn’t crazy! He thanked me but -now what?
Hello, Susy.
I commend you for trying to help your friend to break free from his abusive mother. You are right – there is only so much you can do. The poor guy is trying to get it right, earn love from someone who doesn’t seem to have any intention of honoring that effort or changing anything. Unfortunately, there is only so much you can do to help someone who isn’t ready to ask for help or receive it.
All you can do at this time is to let him know (as you have) that he has a friend who will listen and support and encourage him when he decides he is ready to make a change. The rest is really up to him. There is another life out there once he decides he is ready to pursue it. It hurts to realize that you not ever get what you want and then just as hard to let go of your hopes and expectations, turn away, and look for a whole new life. I pray that one day he gets there. It’s a lot of work, but oh so worth it.
I’m sure you are a very good and loyal friend to him. He is blessed to have someone like you in his life.
Cindy
Cindy: you hit the nail(s) on the head(s) once again. This IS the question, isn’t it? From the unaware, the clueless, the fearful and the Church: why does she stay?
Amy and Beverley, I relate to you both! I left a 42 year verbally nasty marriage about sixteen months ago. Finally. Best thing I ever did. And the word to me from the Holy Spirit, in the midst of the ex’s final drunken explosive tirade (out of the blue!) was, “You need to leave now.” So I did. But it was at a point where I could.
And I would like to add a little post script to your first point, Cindy, that “She thinks tomorrow will be better”: just yesterday morning I realized this (profound for me)–I never knew where I really stood with him, emotionally, that is. My mother was a flaming narcissist, so I had grown up with that (un)reality. I suppose that’s why psychically, at least, it felt “normal.” Thank God, in Christ, we know where we stand! And I credit Jesus with the healing, wisdom, and encouragement I needed to eventually come to the point of freedom.
And it is only SINCE I HAVE HAD NO CONTACT, that not only do I understand completely where I stand with him now (divorced, and, as he raged at me, I had never been “the love of his life”), but I also understand that ALL OF THE OTHER RELATIONSHIPS IN MY LIFE, family, colleagues, friends, are FUNCTIONAL and have always been with just the normal ebb and flow of people RESPECTFULLY working things out if need be. Your post covering a similar thought, Cindy, also resonated with me.
Another thing I have learned and experienced ONLY SINCE I HAVE BEEN AWAY FROM HIM: I always felt bad around him. Even when he was Mr. Jeckyll, but especially of course when Mr. ragey drunk Hyde came out. Or when he was just feeling pi$$y toward me or the world or something (sometimes, hard to tell).
I still pray for him, but now in a calm, peaceful, free atmosphere.
Blessings,
Phyllis
What a courageous woman you are, Phyllis, to leave after so many years! Surely, the longer we remain, the greater the “investment” in the relationship. Yours is a testimony worth sharing with others who continue to feel obligated to stay. It is never too late to start doing what is right and to respond to that wonderful, still, small voice.
Blessings to you and thank you for taking the time to share a little of your story.
Cindy
Yes, parts of it are harder since I married as a teenager and we more or less grew up together. But each time more, as I call it, psychic shrapnel surfaces, I am dedicated and committed to understanding the nature of it and resolving it mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, then letting it pass naturally.
Taking a thorough look at the relationship, the other and oneself is sometimes very hard, but it is absolutely necessary to heal. A good support group, daily Scripture wisdom, and good counseling helps tremendously, not to mention credible recovery sites like yours (there are a few out there I’d stay away from). But, and I hope this hits home with someone, once there is no contact with the abuser/manipulator, narcissist (whatever one wishes to call him/her) there is the mental, emotional, spiritual, and psychological freedom to proceed. Before that, while still in such relationships, it’s all about tension, walking on eggshells, protecting oneself, and so on. Energy sucking, to be blunt.
It’s nice to take things in stride, however difficult and painful they may be. There is cause to smile toward the future.
And as for courageous: honestly, had I not “heard” deep in my “spirit” the words, “You need to leave now,” I may have gone back into the den for round three. So, I think I needed a little help from the Holy Spirit. There are those of my recovery group who believe round 3 would have gone violent. The ex was physically abusive on several occasions in the early years and has never completely apologized for that time.
So, praise God, He knows and provides what each of us needs when we turn to Him for help.
How much you have learned as you look back on the road you have traveled. When I had nowhere else to turn, I too heard the Holy Spirit tell me, “You must leave.” I am so glad to read that you are reclaiming your life. Hooray for you! It is a lot of hard work, but I’m sure you have found the journey worthwhile as you see how very far you have come.
Blessings,
Cindy
Yup :). I’ve come far…a lot further than I ever knew I could, so far…
And truly, there is so much happening just now on the spiritual front I try to keep my head and heart clear so that I remain open to whatever opportunity the Lord allows me in the classroom and at the keyboard to participate how I may in spreading the Gospel. I posted some encouragement for all of us with regard to these challenging times, today, in fact. Here is the link and blessings to all. http://pnissila.wordpress.com/2014/04/30/staying-the-mind-on-peace-really/
I agree Cindy-hooray for her courage to get out after all that time! I am a survivor but I somehow knew my home life didn’t feel good so by age 12, I was rarely home & moved out when 16! It’s been a wonderful journey!
I too heard the Lord speaking to me, although mine was a different scenario than most. My ex walked out on me and our two boys And almost two years later I came to realize his leaving was his warped way of trying to destroy me in the church’s eyes because he told everyone that we had mutually agreed to separate so we could work towards reconciliation. Total crap! Two days before he walked out of our house he literally spat in my face how he was going to pack his van and leave! And he did, the day before Valentine’s Day of ’09. And that day he walked out the door I heard the Lord tell me that He had set me free. It was finished. And I literally felt a weight lifted off of me that I had carried for 20 years and collapsed with tears of relief.
The next day I randomly opened my bible up to Psalm 118:5, “In my anguish, I cried to the Lord, and he answered by setting me free.” Indeed He did and I’ve never looked back with regret.
And isn’t it nice to live in a calm, peaceful environment. That’s what I relished most after my ex left…calm and peace in my life.
Hi, Amy,
God is faithful, isn’t He?! One more thought about the peace and calm and freedom that exists after the exit (though the recovery work is still hard): as someone I know who also left an abusive relationship said, “it sucks all the energy out of you and narrows your peripheral vision.” I had to laugh. So true! Although the recovery is still hard at times, as noted, I have so much more energy! My blood pressure dropped ten points back to normal, I rarely have any of the kind of mild anxiety attacks that used to happen several times a week, and people tell me I look ten years younger (although it must be something I don’t see in the mirror!–I think it’s maybe more a peaceful aspect I didn’t have for years).
For those of you still deciding, or having to wait a while before leaving, you have a LOT to look forward to despite the pain of a normal grieving and recovery process. 🙂 Get yourself some good support and a good counselor and some good reading. Cindy’s blog is one of the best I’ve read and I follow, and there are quite a few good books on dealing with abusive relationships available now.
Amen to everything you shared. It is such a hard road – but worth every step. It sure helps to have others who know what the journey is like, too, to help us along. I don’t know what I would have done without my support network.
Thanks for the kind comments about my blog. I also want to share that I have just finished the second editions of my two most popular books, “Why Is He So Mean to Me?” and “God Is My Witness: Making a Case for Biblical Divorce.” I am very pleased with the new editions and should have them available in the next month or so…
Cindy
I will announce their release soon!
I so appreciate your testimony! Isn’t it amazing how God reaches each of us in unique ways and in His perfect timing! After I left, it was another 10 months before the Lord actually released me from my marriage, but I too felt that huge burden lifted from my shoulders in that one divine moment. I will never forget it or doubt it. Powerful stuff.
I am so happy for you. Thank you for sharing!
I appreciate all your points Cindy. So accurate. I kept waiting for it to get better. Kept praying, kept hoping, kept trying to make myself into a pretzel so he wouldn’t be mad at me. When I finally realized I really WAS being abused, and went to my church for help, they had no idea what to do to help me. They eventually gave up. When I finally got a restraining order, guess who he went crying to? Yep! Our pastors. After that came one of the hardest times for me. My pastors told me that if I didn’t try to “date” and reconcile with him, I should step down from my leadership positions in the church, because I had “no biblical right” to divorce. Wow. That was one of the worst days of all. Like pouring salt into my wounds. I eventually left the church. Life now is SO Sweet in comparison. Praising Jesus!
I’m sure that the sentiments you offers are shared by many (too many) people like us. On the bright side, I have learned – as you have – that leaving the church does not mean leaving our Lord. He walks with us through it, defends us in the midst of it. It’s so hard, though, essentially being punished and scrutinized and condemned for refusing to tolerate abuse in our homes.
Obviously, we have a lot of work to do to enlighten pastors and lay counselors about abuse – and biblical divorce.
One day at a time, one situation at a time, one person at a time.
Anyway, I’m glad you stood strong and are healing!
Cindy
Thank you SO MUCH for this article. It is excellent! I am sharing it on our Give Her Wings Facebook page — it will reach many women who have left abusive marriages (or are in the process of). You are a blessing!!
Hello, Megan. Thank you for adding the article to your resources – and for your kind encouragement. I need to check out your website… I know you were contributing for a while to A Cry for Justice and appreciate the work that Jeff and Barb (primarily) do there, as well.
I will be retiring from my job next month and will be directing my energies to this ministry on more of a full-time basis – hopefully in the near future. As you may know, in addition to my blog, my website is hurtbylove.com, and I am the author of “Why Is He So Mean to Me?” and “God Is My Witness: Making a Case for Biblical Divorce.” I have recently finished my second editions and hope to release them soon.
Thank you for the work that you do. Let me know if there is ever anything I can do for you. I’m happy to help if I can.
In Him,
Cindy
Yes, Cindy! I am the same Meg who has been a contributor for ACFJ. I, also, appreciate Jeff and Barb GREATLY. I contributed articles for about 18 months until Give Her Wings started to really take off and then I needed to focus more and more energy on GHW.
I know your blog, well, as it has ministered to me over and over again. It is exciting that you will be able to devote yourself more fully to your much-needed ministry. I would love to connect with you! If you could private email me, I would greatly appreciate it. Warmly and in Christ, Megan davidandmegan12@gmail.com